Doofus Climbs Up On Cross, Won’t Shut Up

George Santos is a dedicated chaos agent to the very end.

If you haven’t heard already, noted ascetic monk, Biblical scholar, and trusted voice in ethical behavior George Santos is very likely going to be expelled from Congress in the wake of a damning report from the House Ethics Committee that detailed the extensive fraud and misuse of donor funds Santos engaged in. Even his fellow Republicans are ready to show him the door. Santos spent the cash on things such as Botox, Hermés, and OnlyFans, a litany that feels like a joke someone says on a Tina Fey sitcom. Botox, Hermés, and OnlyFans: the new hookers and blow! 

Santos recently held a three-hour “conversation” on X Spaces, and I am exhausted just writing that sentence. Sometimes you come across an idea that feels so wrong and so antithetical to who you are and what you want that you think, that is one of the torments of Hell. “George Santos on X Spaces for three hours” is in Appendix A of the 2023 Tormentors of Hell Handbook.

Anyway, Santos referred to himself as the “Republican It Girl” and put on a show of defiance in the face of that damning ethics report, insisting that “I’m not leaving” and “come hell or high water … it’s done when I say it’s done.” Because Santos can’t be consistent to save his life, he also admitted, “I know I’m going to get expelled when this expulsion resolution goes to the floor,” musing that the resolution could come as soon as this week. I simply don’t have enough fingers to cross, so please cross yours with me. To see that kind of comeuppance for bald-faced, bold-typed wrongdoing would be pretty exhilarating. Is it sad that’s how low the bar is? Yes! 

The artist formerly known as Kitara Ravache also called himself the “Mary Magdalene of the United States Congress,” a Biblical comparison that feels as ridiculous as it is on-brand. Santos always struck me as a Milo Yiannopolis type—fully committed MAGA talking points, but really emphasizes how gay they still are, and I would argue that after Saint Sebastian, Mary Magdalene is the most obviously gay choice for chaotic Biblical allusions. Speaking of Biblical nonsense, noted Bible-thumping ventriloquist dummy Speaker of the House Mike Johnson remained vague in his position about the expulsion prospect saying that they had spoken about Santos’ “options” and that the matter would be discussed soon. It’s unclear what the options are outside of “expel” and “not expel,” but if they boot Santos out, he would join a very exclusive club of five other Representatives and the first Rep to be expelled without being convicted of a crime, though it seems a bit inevitable at this point. 

It remains to be seen the true depths of chaotic theatrics Santos can achieve with whatever time he has left, though if I had to give notes, he might pump the brakes on his X presence. It can only be a matter of time before he runs afoul of LibsOfTikTok and the multiplying hives of Nazis. The shelf-life of the value of Republican pet queers is never very long, and the faster you burn that capital, the closer you come to the end. Maybe Santos is banking on going away to prison and not having to deal with much of the fallout, a recklessness that’s also characteristic of his crimes.